Why we do what we do...or more like why I do what I do

Originally posted to my MySpace account on July 7, 2007

Do you ever wonder why you do certain things to certain people? For example (2 actually...) my husband, Tim, wants the toilet paper hung on the toilet paper dispenser the "right" way. Now I know what his version of the "right" way is, but do I do that (FYI-the toilet paper hanging according to Tim is over the top)? To be honest with you, the first time he politely got mad at me for hanging it "wrong," I laughed at him in the face. I said, "Honey, you're lucky it even got hung on the dispenser at all!" So when I hang the toilet paper roll on the dispenser, I just grab it and hope for the best. Most chances, it's "wrong" but I figure he's [lucky] that it even got on there at all!

The second example is I don't hang his clothes, more specifically his button up shirts (includes polos, button up collar shirts, any shirt that has a top button on it), correctly. Perfection to Tim is that they all have to have the top button done up, the collar folded down perfectly (not sloppy) and facing to the left. Now again, when I was told this, I laughed at him. The poor poor guy will never realize that when he makes such a nuisance over [silly] things, I will not go out of my way to make sure these things will get done his way.

Now, to some, this may seem like I don't love him. Don't get me wrong, I love Tim. He's had to put up with my own quarkiness and such for the past 16 years for example… how much I am not a housekeeper or how my side of the bed will always look worse than his or how my cooking will never be served in a 5 star restaurant. I guess I will never understand the reason why I don't do it his way compared to him doing things my way. It's a give and take in a marriage… we have a lifetime to figure it out.

I'm willing to find out where it will take us…

In honor of Kelly Dale Shipley

Originally posted to my MySpace account on June 27, 2007

December 16, 1966-June 17, 2007

On Sunday, June 17, 2007, I lost my brother Kelly Dale Shipley. I am sorry to say that I was not very close to him like I should have been. We had some unresolved issues and at the end of his Memorial service I asked him if he would forgive me. I don't know if he heard me asking or if I'll ever know if he accepted my apology, but I believe it was a step to a healing that I needed.

When I heard that he had died, I was in shock. I am still to this day waiting to wake up from this horrible nightmare. Will I ever wake up and realize that what I had was right next to me, 10 minutes away? Or will I just go on to my normal routine of life and just hope that I can get carried away from the craziness that it has caused?

Will the pain ever subside? How can life go on without him? What about his son?

What is it going to be like when the holidays roll around, especially for the first ones that come? His birthday, Christmas, 4^th of July? Speaking of which…two years ago, when I had most of my family over at my house, I remember going out of my house into the garage and seeing Kelly feeding his son Kelly. I remember the scene vaguely, but I do remember that he loved that boy so much. Which reminds me of the last time I seen Kelly…it was a few weeks ago. I was walking out of the store when I seen Kelly holding his son in his arms. After a brief greeting, I looked back at them as they walked on into the store and thought Kelly would do anything for that boy and how much he loved him.

How many times have I missed on telling him that I loved him? How many times did I not stop by his house, just to say hi? How many times did it seem like I was too busy for him? He didn't feel like he could come to me for anything. He didn't feel like he could call me and know that I would have been there. Why is that? I blame myself for that. Not Kelly. I didn't make myself available to be there for him. It will be something that I will carry for the rest of my life. I know he had his life and I had mine. A lot of times they didn't match, but that should not have mattered to the fact that we were family.

If there was anything good that came out of his death, it is the importance of relationships, especially in families. If you have brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, best friends, etc. keep the line of communication open. Don't let something like death make you realize how important they were to you. If you have siblings, remember they may be all you have someday. They will see you through EVERYTHING. They are the ones to love you at all times. It may be hard to call on them to let them know you've screwed up or that you need help, but they will love you unconditionally.

Someday I know I will be able to think of Kelly without crying or getting upset about his death, about what/who he had left behind. Someday a sense of closure will happen.

What did that sign say?

This was originally posted on May 26, 2007 on my MySpace account.


I was reading on some blogs earlier today (yeah it really is 3:38 a.m., Ohio time) about waiting for a sign. Do we really need to ask God for a sign to see if this or that situation is His will? I can understand (I can't think of a specific reason) that you want to do His will, but for God to show you a sign? Where is the leap of faith in that? If you are constantly looking for God's approval through a sign, how will God really know you trust Him?

Finding true love...

This was originally posted on my MySpace back on December 30, 2006 - just trying to bring all my blogs under one page (or in this case, site).

After being married for over 25 years, my parents divorced. It was a lot harder to take than I realized. I remember shortly after I had gotten married, we had to move to West Virginia, one of my sisters called me. She was the one that was always the funny one; she could always make me laugh, even to this day. But she was crying over the phone and being over 300 miles away, I felt helpless. She was scared and confused and there was nothing I could do to help her. I don't recall the entire phone call, I just remember her crying and hearing her cry was just unbearable. I always felt like I had to take sides at the beginning of the separation. My parents never said I had to, it just seemed like it was an unspoken request. I'm sure a lot of children from divorced parents feel like this. I feel like I am just now able to build a relationship with my dad and my stepmom. That is such a weird word for me to even speak. I never thought I would have divorced parents. I recall one time when I was little as I was helping my mother in the kitchen if she thought if her and dad would ever get divorced. She said, "No. We love each other too much." That conversation haunts me to this day. Is loving each other enough to keep a relationship strong? For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ.²

Another relationship that has shaken my thoughts on marriage was a friendship with a couple that we went to church together. It really has taken a toll on my husband. I see troublesome looks on his face. He dreams about them. He wakes up almost tormented by the breaking up his close friends. These were people who we had bible studies with, whom we went over to each others homes and had meals, went to the movies together, had New Year's Eve parties with, prayed with, challenged us in our walk with the Lord, laughed and reminisced about the past with and hoped in the future together. How could something like this happen?

It scares me that even though (I think) Tim and I have a strong relationship built on love and the foundation of Christ, will we last? I try not to take Tim's and I relationship for granted. I've read and heard about people who kissed their loved ones in the morning good bye, never realizing that it was going to be the last time they would see each other. I think after reading this last statement you would think that I am a worrywart or a paranoid person. Maybe I am. I do tend to worry a lot. Worrying is a sign of lacking in faith, so I try not to do it too much. I know God has my life and the lives of the ones that I love in the palm of His hand. No matter how much worry or consulting God on what I think He should do, is going to change/alter the plan He already has set out for. I have heard many times where numerous of people have gotten saved at a person's funeral. I hope to live a life where people can say that what I did in my life was not for my own sake or glory but for the glory of the One that gave me life.

The first step on the road of healing is admittance of a problem. So here goes, I am a very selfish person. There I admit it. I want a car that can get me from point A to point B and then back to A (like no one else does?). I want my family to be comfortable (what's that?). I want a fulfilling life (isn't having a loving husband and two beautiful children enough?). I want my life to have meaning. Do you now know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.³

2-1 Corinthians 3:11

3-1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Regretting the past and refining the future

I am overcome with joy because of your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to my enemy but have set me in a safe place.

Psalm 31: 7-8 NLT

I have lived my life lately, it seems, in a lot of regret: regretting that I didn't complete my college degree; regretting that I didn't stay at my first real job-for the possibilities that could have led to; and regretting that I am not the person that God wants me to become. The latter is what is really alarming to me. All the other things will pass away, but not becoming the person that God expects me to be, can be somewhat disappointing to me, my family and to my Lord. If I am not doing the things that God wants me to do, I will always wander aimlessly in this world.

I have led a life that to others would seem like the "ideal" life. I have a wonderful family with a beautiful house; a loving extended family; and a fulfilling but busy job. Then why is it that my heart craves for more? Is it the question in my mind that I have left too many things in my past unfinished-not knowing exactly who my birth parents are; not finishing college? And yet, I live this life in limbo. Not knowing where the wind will take me next. Of course I know that God plans my life for a purpose. Have I completed my purpose yet? I really don't think so. I have not yet arrived.

God knows our past whether in accomplishment or in failure. That is why I like the Psalm 31:7-8 passage. God knows me better than I know myself, which is pretty scary. Even though my soul may be in anguish, He has not forgotten about me or left me to wander in the forest. He is always just a word away. How often do we forget that?

I love the last part of this passage. "He has set me in a safe place." How many times have we thought to ourselves that because we are wallowing in our anguish that God cannot keep us from harm? Too many times we get caught up in our selfish wants and needs. We need (want) the newest and best gadget out there. We need (want) the best paying job. We need (want) a very fulfilling career. All we really need is our basic needs met. Our daily bread. That is what Jesus taught us to pray. Maybe our daily bread is just to go to work and forget our troubles. Maybe our daily bread is just to stay in bed for the day to recuperate from a long week. Maybe our daily bread is just to be in sanctuary with Him. Sometimes our daily bread changes from day to day, only God knows our needs from moment to moment.

I am trying to get passed the regretting in my own life. I am reminded constantly by the quote- "Carpe Diem"  or seize the day. I have not seized every moment possible to me, and no, I have not made the most of my days. But I know God is still there reaching out to me, only to remind me of what lies ahead is forgiveness and restoration. Are there things in your past that you regretted not doing or do you regret missing those once in a lifetime opportunities? Remember that only God can bring forgiveness to your soul and there is where he will refine you to a perfect shine.