Where do I go from here?

I have found myself at a crossroads lately. Not sure why; maybe it's because I find myself staring in the mirror and realizing that I have a grown daughter out of college and the other one a junior in high school with a realization that I will only have her under my roof for another two years. While trying to help the younger one with college decisions and other grown up processes, it has made me take another glimpse in the mirror and reevaluate my own path in life.




My oldest has challenged me with questions like:

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
What would you like to accomplish in the next 5 years?
Where do you want to live?
What is your dream job?

In all honesty, I wish I had those questions thrown at me about 20 years ago. She has challenged me the most in her short 21 years of life. In the most recent months, I have asked myself these very questions over and over again. They haunt me. I'm knocking on the door of 42 soon and competing with professionals who are at least half my age, I have come to the understanding, I'm not even close to what I want to do with my life.

Six years ago, I returned to college to complete my undergraduate degree in Visual Communications. When my employer knew that I would be receiving my degree within the middle of the school year, they offered me a teaching position. In return, I knew that I had not finished my degree, my neck would be the next in line for the chopping block of cut jobs, so I felt I had no choice in that means, but in reality, finishing my degree was something that I had always wanted to do. But I didn't return to school so I could teach. I finished my degree so I could go in to the business sector and design things. I stayed there for another five years and moved on to another school.

And so I find myself at the beginning of this blog again.

Where do I go from here?

Within the last 14 years, I haved worked in the education field. I cannot tell you how many times I have felt guilty when I hear people say that teachers are gifted and they commend teachers for what they do year after year. Teaching is not my calling, it's a step for the next best thing. Still, the pay is not great. In reality, I get paid little for the actual degree that I received. For that matter, so do teachers who actually have a teacher's certificate and have an education degree.

I look at my husband's and I life for the past 22 years and I look at the people around me and it saddens me to a depth that I cannot even explain. During the time that my husband and I have been married (22 years) he has had 11 different jobs and I have had 4 (Man, when I write that, I have to shake my head). We are not even close to retire in the next 20 years. Our lives are no different than the first day we were married. Meaning, our house is very average, we have appliances that do not work in our house, we get a flood in our back yard every time it rains hard, we haven't had a real vacation for the last six years, we are in debt up to our ears. Even though my husband has more work experience than I do, I make about $2,000/year less than he does (if you count my second job, I make about the same as he does). I look around and it smacks me in the face every time that we cannot give to our kids a legacy that they can be proud of. Sure love, patience, a true foundation of Christ are all important, but what about vacations/family time that they can remember? What about giving them things that they need, like a dresser, an oven that works or a new pair of tennis shoes when they need them? I'm not proud to teach my kids the value of the dollar; to teach them the value of a coupon, Good Will or wearing used uniforms. Still, I keep asking myself the question, why us?

When I ask myself this, I have to keep reminding myself, there are a ton of other people who have way worse than we do, and I have to daily remind myself of this. This is the life that my husband and I have decided to have. It's not luxurious in any way. We made the decision 18 years ago, that we wanted to give our kids a Christian education that a modest lifestyle was better than one that constantly throw ideals in people's faces that we were extravagant. Still, I look at the people around us and there are people have more kids than we do, taking vacations overseas, or taking quick getaways here and there, when for us, taking a trip out of town about 60 miles away, is a grand trip, I have to shake my head in disbelief. We are simple people with great dreams and aspirations. I have now placed before me a bigger question that I hope to have a new answer to a year from now:

Where would I like to be a year from now?

I'm doing my research and starting the process now. Stay tuned for the update :)