Wow, in the recent weeks our family has been shaken, pressed and shaken some more. For the last two years, I have personally gone through some personal health issues. Here is what I posted to my Facebook profile:
"I could really use some prayer. For the last 3 months or so. I have been having some health problems. When it seems like I get over one thing, another thing happens. I really don't want to divulge into what it MAY or COULD be, because I don't want to speak anything in existence. Today has been one of a few days that I broke down even though I know God is the ultimate healer. It's the breaking down of the spirit. I have been to the doctor, ER, and now urgent care. I'm really just getting tired of all the doctors, shots and tests. If there is one thing that I covet right now is your prayers for a COMPLETE healing. This journey has been one of a learning experience; has made me look at people who have chronic diseases with different eyes. On days I feel so tired for praying for myself, I pray for those who have it worse than me; so when you think of me, pray for those who have it worse than I do." June 9, 2013
Since June of this year, my health issues have somewhat quieted down. Or so I thought.
On August 27 my youngest daughter started to show symptoms of what I thought was the flu. I had taken her to the ER not too far from where we live and they ended up diagnosing her with bronchitis (although she never showed any classic symptoms to support that theory). The doctor sent her home with a prescription for the Z-Pack and to switch back and forth with Tylenol and Advil for the massive headaches and high fevers she was experiencing. They had mentioned about possibly doing a spinal tap to test for viral meningitis, but they really didn't think that was the problem. A couple days later after missing 3 straight days of school, my husband took her to a different ER because her symptoms weren't getting any better and she was spending most of her time in bed sleeping - more so than normal. After spending an unreasonable amount of time there, numerous blood tests, and a spinal tap, it was decided that she needed to be transported to our local Children's Hospital. We thought this was going to be a one day stint.
Little did we know...
She ended up staying at Children's Hospital for a total of nine days - three different departments: Infectious Disease, PICU and the 11th floor (regular room). She was tested for everything under the sun you could think of. She went under so many tests, blood work, blood pressure monitorings, temperature readings and countless asking of the question, "On a scale of 1-10, tell us what your pain level is." After enduring a head MRI, blood marrow biopsy, a skin biopsy, eye tests, nine pounds of fluid intake, taking up to 4 different antibiotics at one time, hearing the words Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, viral meningitis, Lyme's Disease, Kawasaki Disease, Autoimmune Disease. Nothing came back conclusive as to what they thought it could be.
Back during this previous spring was when I had experienced some health problems (hence the Facebook posting) and had a doctor's appointment for a specialized doctor in the early fall. This appointment just happened to be yesterday. While there and talking with the doctor, one of the causes that he said could be causing some of my problems was mentioned as one of the diseases that was mentioned for her. I do remember when the doctors were consulting us on what they thought her health problems were could be hereditary and mostly affects Asians.
On my way back to work, my husband and I were talking about something that he was always interested in, going to Korea and finding my birth family. This was something that I tried to do 20 some years ago before the birth of my first child - this was my second attempt. After hitting a brick wall I decided that they only reason I would ever want to know about my past would be for health reasons. It was in the past for a reason, and for some unknown, I believed God had shut the door to keep me safe from something I didn't want or need to know. I think though in light of what has happened in a matter of 4 weeks has reignited the fact that I will have to do some digging into my past.
Find my birth family.
When I started the process so many years ago when I was in high school and college it was out of my own curiosity. Now it is for the sake of my children and their children's children.
The more I dwell on the thoughts of all the emotions that this process could evoke, I get depressed easily. There will always be the question of (if they are found) are you really my family? Because of so many unknowns in my past, I believe this is a legitimate question. To be honest with you, I really don't want to do this on so many levels. The emotional roller coaster that I'm sure this will put me on is one that will be crazy enough for any thrill seeker.
A sense of when I start the searching of my birth parents, will I be known as my adopted parents' daughter anymore or will I be known as a daughter of a faceless mother that I've only dreamed about? Will I lose my identity? I wish I could be happy about starting this search and maybe towards the end I will be. But for right now, all I feel is a sense of disappointment of my birth parents. Why did they give me up? Why did they abandon me? Why did they leave me on the streets to fend for myself? Why didn't anyone come searching for me while I was "missing?" Why would my grandparents be mean to me?
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