Originally posted to my MySpace account on June 27, 2007
December 16, 1966-June 17, 2007
On Sunday, June 17, 2007, I lost my brother Kelly Dale Shipley. I am sorry to say that I was not very close to him like I should have been. We had some unresolved issues and at the end of his Memorial service I asked him if he would forgive me. I don't know if he heard me asking or if I'll ever know if he accepted my apology, but I believe it was a step to a healing that I needed.
When I heard that he had died, I was in shock. I am still to this day waiting to wake up from this horrible nightmare. Will I ever wake up and realize that what I had was right next to me, 10 minutes away? Or will I just go on to my normal routine of life and just hope that I can get carried away from the craziness that it has caused?
Will the pain ever subside? How can life go on without him? What about his son?
What is it going to be like when the holidays roll around, especially for the first ones that come? His birthday, Christmas, 4th of July? Speaking of which…two years ago, when I had most of my family over at my house, I remember going out of my house into the garage and seeing Kelly feeding his son Kelly. I remember the scene vaguely, but I do remember that he loved that boy so much. Which reminds me of the last time I seen Kelly…it was a few weeks ago. I was walking out of the store when I seen Kelly holding his son in his arms. After a brief greeting, I looked back at them as they walked on into the store and thought Kelly would do anything for that boy and how much he loved him.
How many times have I missed on telling him that I loved him? How many times did I not stop by his house, just to say hi? How many times did it seem like I was too busy for him? He didn't feel like he could come to me for anything. He didn't feel like he could call me and know that I would have been there. Why is that? I blame myself for that. Not Kelly. I didn't make myself available to be there for him. It will be something that I will carry for the rest of my life. I know he had his life and I had mine. A lot of times they didn't match, but that should not have mattered to the fact that we were family.
If there was anything good that came out of his death, it is the importance of relationships, especially in families. If you have brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, best friends, etc. keep the line of communication open. Don't let something like death make you realize how important they were to you. If you have siblings, remember they may be all you have someday. They will see you through EVERYTHING. They are the ones to love you at all times. It may be hard to call on them to let them know you've screwed up or that you need help, but they will love you unconditionally.
Someday I know I will be able to think of Kelly without crying or getting upset about his death, about what/who he had left behind. Someday a sense of closure will happen.
No comments:
Post a Comment