Seoulfully Searching - Part II

Today, I made the call to Holt to talk with the lady who is in charge of Post Adoption Services. I knew before I made the call it could change me. I was hoping it would be for the better; the verdict is still out. I knew at the start of this journey it would be heart wrenching and while I'm not even in the early stages of the process it has already brought me to my knees in gut agonizing humbleness. While talking with the lady it was mentioned:

* A lot of mothers who give up their children leave their children in a very public/busy place, e.g. marketplace and watch from afar to make sure someone does pick up their child. My thoughts: I'm picturing a little girl in a public place and crying out for her mother but her mom just watches from a distance. How could she do this?

* If the mother was unwed at the time of birth she could have been disowned by her family. The "black" sheep or "family member who was twice-removed" was a real thing in Korea back then and could have been disowned by her family and legally her name could be changed because she had upset her family.

* If she was unwed at the time, she didn't have to register the birth of her baby, unlike it is here in the States. There could be no official record of me being born.

Seoulfully Searching

Wow, in the recent weeks our family has been shaken, pressed and shaken some more. For the last two years, I have personally gone through some personal health issues. Here is what I posted to my Facebook profile:

"I could really use some prayer. For the last 3 months or so. I have been having some health problems. When it seems like I get over one thing, another thing happens. I really don't want to divulge into what it MAY or COULD be, because I don't want to speak anything in existence. Today has been one of a few days that I broke down even though I know God is the ultimate healer. It's the breaking down of the spirit. I have been to the doctor, ER, and now urgent care. I'm really just getting tired of all the doctors, shots and tests. If there is one thing that I covet right now is your prayers for a COMPLETE healing. This journey has been one of a learning experience; has made me look at people who have chronic diseases with different eyes. On days I feel so tired for praying for myself, I pray for those who have it worse than me; so when you think of me, pray for those who have it worse than I do." June 9, 2013

Since June of this year, my health issues have somewhat quieted down. Or so I thought.

On August 27 my youngest daughter started to show symptoms of what I thought was the flu. I had taken her to the ER not too far from where we live and they ended up diagnosing her with bronchitis (although she never showed any classic symptoms to support that theory). The doctor sent her home with a prescription for the Z-Pack and to switch back and forth with Tylenol and Advil for the massive headaches and high fevers she was experiencing. They had mentioned about possibly doing a spinal tap to test for viral meningitis, but they really didn't think that was the problem. A couple days later after missing 3 straight days of school, my husband took her to a different ER because her symptoms weren't getting any better and she was spending most of her time in bed sleeping - more so than normal. After spending an unreasonable amount of time there, numerous blood tests, and a spinal tap, it was decided that she needed to be transported to our local Children's Hospital. We thought this was going to be a one day stint.

Little did we know...

She ended up staying at Children's Hospital for a total of nine days - three different departments: Infectious Disease, PICU and the 11th floor (regular room). She was tested for everything under the sun you could think of. She went under so many tests, blood work, blood pressure monitorings, temperature readings and countless asking of the question, "On a scale of 1-10, tell us what your pain level is." After enduring a head MRI, blood marrow biopsy, a skin biopsy, eye tests, nine pounds of fluid intake, taking up to 4 different antibiotics at one time, hearing the words Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, viral meningitis, Lyme's Disease, Kawasaki Disease, Autoimmune Disease. Nothing came back conclusive as to what they thought it could be.

Back during this previous spring was when I had experienced some health problems (hence the Facebook posting) and had a doctor's appointment for a specialized doctor in the early fall. This appointment just happened to be yesterday. While there and talking with the doctor, one of the causes that he said could be causing some of my problems was mentioned as one of the diseases that was mentioned for her. I do remember when the doctors were consulting us on what they thought her health problems were could be hereditary and mostly affects Asians.

On my way back to work, my husband and I were talking about something that he was always interested in, going to Korea and finding my birth family. This was something that I tried to do 20 some years ago before the birth of my first child - this was my second attempt. After hitting a brick wall I decided that they only reason I would ever want to know about my past would be for health reasons. It was in the past for a reason, and for some unknown, I believed God had shut the door to keep me safe from something I didn't want or need to know. I think though in light of what has happened in a matter of 4 weeks has reignited the fact that I will have to do some digging into my past.  

Find my birth family. 

When I started the process so many years ago when I was in high school and college it was out of my own curiosity. Now it is for the sake of my children and their children's children.

The more I dwell on the thoughts of all the emotions that this process could evoke, I get depressed easily. There will always be the question of (if they are found) are you really my family? Because of so many unknowns in my past, I believe this is a legitimate question. To be honest with you, I really don't want to do this on so many levels. The emotional roller coaster that I'm sure this will put me on is one that will be crazy enough for any thrill seeker.

A sense of when I start the searching of my birth parents, will I be known as my adopted parents' daughter anymore or will I be known as a daughter of a faceless mother that I've only dreamed about? Will I lose my identity? I wish I could be happy about starting this search and maybe towards the end I will be. But for right now, all I feel is a sense of disappointment of my birth parents. Why did they give me up? Why did they abandon me? Why did they leave me on the streets to fend for myself? Why didn't anyone come searching for me while I was "missing?" Why would my grandparents be mean to me?

Where do I go from here?

I have found myself at a crossroads lately. Not sure why; maybe it's because I find myself staring in the mirror and realizing that I have a grown daughter out of college and the other one a junior in high school with a realization that I will only have her under my roof for another two years. While trying to help the younger one with college decisions and other grown up processes, it has made me take another glimpse in the mirror and reevaluate my own path in life.




My oldest has challenged me with questions like:

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
What would you like to accomplish in the next 5 years?
Where do you want to live?
What is your dream job?

In all honesty, I wish I had those questions thrown at me about 20 years ago. She has challenged me the most in her short 21 years of life. In the most recent months, I have asked myself these very questions over and over again. They haunt me. I'm knocking on the door of 42 soon and competing with professionals who are at least half my age, I have come to the understanding, I'm not even close to what I want to do with my life.

Six years ago, I returned to college to complete my undergraduate degree in Visual Communications. When my employer knew that I would be receiving my degree within the middle of the school year, they offered me a teaching position. In return, I knew that I had not finished my degree, my neck would be the next in line for the chopping block of cut jobs, so I felt I had no choice in that means, but in reality, finishing my degree was something that I had always wanted to do. But I didn't return to school so I could teach. I finished my degree so I could go in to the business sector and design things. I stayed there for another five years and moved on to another school.

And so I find myself at the beginning of this blog again.

Where do I go from here?

Within the last 14 years, I haved worked in the education field. I cannot tell you how many times I have felt guilty when I hear people say that teachers are gifted and they commend teachers for what they do year after year. Teaching is not my calling, it's a step for the next best thing. Still, the pay is not great. In reality, I get paid little for the actual degree that I received. For that matter, so do teachers who actually have a teacher's certificate and have an education degree.

I look at my husband's and I life for the past 22 years and I look at the people around me and it saddens me to a depth that I cannot even explain. During the time that my husband and I have been married (22 years) he has had 11 different jobs and I have had 4 (Man, when I write that, I have to shake my head). We are not even close to retire in the next 20 years. Our lives are no different than the first day we were married. Meaning, our house is very average, we have appliances that do not work in our house, we get a flood in our back yard every time it rains hard, we haven't had a real vacation for the last six years, we are in debt up to our ears. Even though my husband has more work experience than I do, I make about $2,000/year less than he does (if you count my second job, I make about the same as he does). I look around and it smacks me in the face every time that we cannot give to our kids a legacy that they can be proud of. Sure love, patience, a true foundation of Christ are all important, but what about vacations/family time that they can remember? What about giving them things that they need, like a dresser, an oven that works or a new pair of tennis shoes when they need them? I'm not proud to teach my kids the value of the dollar; to teach them the value of a coupon, Good Will or wearing used uniforms. Still, I keep asking myself the question, why us?

When I ask myself this, I have to keep reminding myself, there are a ton of other people who have way worse than we do, and I have to daily remind myself of this. This is the life that my husband and I have decided to have. It's not luxurious in any way. We made the decision 18 years ago, that we wanted to give our kids a Christian education that a modest lifestyle was better than one that constantly throw ideals in people's faces that we were extravagant. Still, I look at the people around us and there are people have more kids than we do, taking vacations overseas, or taking quick getaways here and there, when for us, taking a trip out of town about 60 miles away, is a grand trip, I have to shake my head in disbelief. We are simple people with great dreams and aspirations. I have now placed before me a bigger question that I hope to have a new answer to a year from now:

Where would I like to be a year from now?

I'm doing my research and starting the process now. Stay tuned for the update :)

A writer writes

Since starting my new job (August) I began a new thing. Driving 35 minutes one way to work. This may not be a new thing to most of you, but for me, this is crazy driving. For the last 20 years, the furthest I drove to work was 10 minutes, so this 35-minute drive is insanity.

I have also found out with all the new technology gadgets I have, I find myself doing less of what I like to do...read. One summer I read 20 books in a matter of three months. I felt accomplished with swirling myself in mindless worlds of fictitious locations and aspiring relationships. But I digress from the main purpose of this blog...

I love books, so hence I love libraries and bookstores. I even was hired by both. Problem with working in both of these industries is that you really don't get the time to actually read. So that is why I never lasted at either position. I could (and possibly have) roam in a library for hours, which my family doesn't understand, so many topics, so many authors, so many situations.

One day while on my way to work, I was listening to the radio, flipping between the 2-3 stations I listen to and they seem to be playing the same songs over and over again and I felt like I was just literally spinning my wheels getting nowhere and finding that I wasn't doing anything more other than wasting my time away on dead air.

A few days later when I was in the library I happened to wander in the audio books section.

LIGHTBULB!

I looked at some of the authors I liked and found the library had some in their inventory. I have since listened to quite a few books on my travels to and from work. I have also learned that I can only get through about one book a week. Anything beyond that is wishful thinking and being a CD audio book junkie. This small idea even encouraged me to get my third library card and renew my other one that I hadn't used in several months.

While listening to the latest book that I am now on, I found how talented authors need to be. I always wanted to be a fictional writer when I was younger, but found I didn't have the creative pen to get it accomplished. Now I have always known authors have a talent, but beyond the stories they wield in their minds (and so many story lines) the capability to write so fluidly is beyond me. How authors have the knack of writing what would seem to be so inordinate in our own lives with such ease and be able to write exactly what we go through, down to the very details, whereas, us mortals wouldn't  even think anything more of it, but can relate to so easily.  How does one have the ability to run the perfect words together to form such imaginative scenes and grip the readers and help them to relate and feel connected to the characters? I have at one time gone as far as weeping so intensely that I had to explain to my students I wasn't really sad, but that the tears were from a book that I was listening to.

Most times, I dread the end of the book and I'm sure any avid reader does too. To end the story of characters who you can relate to, feel their emotions, relate to their situations is almost like an epilogue that you wish would last forever. You want to know how their story ended, you want to make sure that good always prevails and they will live happily ever after. So in the confines of the binding of the book you only get a (small) glimpse of your characters and hope for the best after you have turned the last page.

While on the subject of books. I have to say that I despise when they make movies from the books. I understand the book itself may take over the course of several months to several years, and that the average movie is around 1.5  hours long and that there is no way they could possibly put everything that was in the book in the movie. But when they do not stay to the context of the book (character traits, past events that were mentioned) it really takes away from what the author was trying to reveal in his story line. I always tell people, if you have the choice of reading the book verses watching the movie, my advice...Read the book.

My favorites? Anything from Karen Kingsbury and Nicholas Sparks. I have also read books from Frank Peretti, Bill Meyers, John Grisham, Robin Jones Gunn and Francine Rivers, just to name a few.

From one aspiring blogger, kudos to the accomplished writers. We'll let (and encourage) the creators of eloquently-put words continue to do what they do best. Write.

Conversation Life Support

When I was young, I was very shy. I was never sure if this was because of my biological heritage or if it was because I never had anything to say. Well after after so many years, I'm beginning to think it's the latter. I have a hard time holding conversations with someone. I have a hard time with small talk. To some, small talk is easy and maybe it is all they can really do, but for me, if I spend most of the conversation fighting myself with  "What can I say next?" I find that I'm not really paying attention to what they are saying at the time. Come on, there are only so many times you can ask about the weather or if they have gotten a haircut lately.

My youngest daughter and I are alike with this. We have friends, but it's a very small group and if we don't know you well enough, it could take ages for us to be able to sustain a meaningful conversation with you. This is even a problem with people we know. I honestly have to say I sometimes steer clear from people who I might not know that well, so that way I don't have to fight with myself on how to keep the conversation going. Now for those that I know are extreme talkers, I don't have worry about this battle. If in the past you have proven yourself a confirmed conversationalist then you are the person that I want to talk [listen] to. I might be able to interject a sentence or two but if I don't have to worry about where the dialogue will go, then I can fully enjoy a talk with you.

My husband and my oldest daughter are quite a bit alike. They are the social people in our small family of four. They could go up to strangers and hold meaningful conversations with them that could mean absolutely nothing to me and come out from it better people. One day I talked with my oldest daughter about my trouble with small talk and she offered the following:

1. Ask questions. She said that if you ask questions about themselves, it helps to keep the dialogue going.

2. Ending the conversation: Say something about needing to go somewhere or wanting to catch up with someone that you haven't seen in awhile.

Ending the conversation is an extreme battle that tortures me as well. So what happens if you're done talking and you want to leave the exchange? How awkward it is when they are done with you and they instantly go to another person to talk to and you are left in their wake. Or what happens if you are the one who is done, so how do you leave the person so they are not left holding the bag?

One thing that annoys me to no end is when you are talking with me and while I'm talking your eyes go elsewhere during the conversation. To me when I see this it makes me think that what I have to say is not important to you and that you need to probably move on to the next person because I am boring you with my speech. Sadly, if the other person's eyes starts to wander while I'm talking, I start to do the same thing. Maybe I'm doing this to let me know what they are doing or to show them that what they are doing is starting to offend me.

Wow, for someone who has a hard time keeping a conversation going, this blog seems to go on and on. Maybe I don't have a hard time keeping the conversation going with myself.

Going to extremes

I have been couponing for the last 2 years and mostly due to the fact that for the money that we were spending to feed our little family of 4, was getting outrageous. My income was falling and my husband's wasn't making up for the difference. A friend of mine had started to get into it and sadly, I was making fun of her for carrying around a huge binder full of coupons. But I quickly saw how she was saving a boat load of money for items that her family was going to use and I immediately changed my tune. I humbly asked her where she got her sleeves for her binder (Ebay) and she gave me a 3-inch binder that I have filled to the gills now.

Where do I get my coupons? Most of them I get from the Sunday paper. If you can get a Sunday paper for $2 and you can get a least $2 worth of savings from it (this is not a problem) then you've paid for your paper. I also get some on line (my favorite is coupons.com) and I follow several blogs on Facebook and Twitter which will tell me how to score great deals at the stores.

Keeping up with this new venture for the last 2 years has almost made me a slave to it. I don't coupon every single day - but I would imagine I spend at least 10 hours a week cutting, sorting, filtering and scanning the ads to see what I can get for a good deal. There are numerous times I will see something in an advertisement and laugh, thinking if anyone buys that at that store, it is NOT a good deal!

There is a lot of thinking that goes into the coupon deal itself. Even though I may have a coupon I have to think if I'll be getting a better deal at Kroger vs. WalMart. Even though Kroger doubles MC (Manufacturer's coupons) up to .99 and WalMart doesn't double/triple at all, maybe the better deal is not to go with the coupon because the generic brand, which is just as good, is still the better deal. DON'T USE THE COUPON JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE IT AND IT MAY BE LISTED ON SALE.

My family seems like we have gotten a bad rap on it because of the couponing that we have done. One family member doesn't even do it which I think their spouse would love it if they did. Another relative of mine makes fun of us because we do it. Oh well, I'm frugal (and not ashamed to admit it) and as long as I know I can get a good deal on something, I'll do it. I'm not willing to go to extremes to do it though.

The other week, I had cut out 2 coupons from the two Sunday papers for $5 off a Tylenol Precise product. I had seen on FB that Rite Aid was going to have a huge sale on these - $5 each on each product. I thought, with the coupons, I could get at least 2 products for free. I went to the store on Monday and the items were sold out. After talking to the cashier, she said that they sold out of the item Sunday morning by 9:30 a.m. People were lined up at the door before they were opened to get the item and by noon they had issued at least 20 rain checks. That's crazy. She said that I could come back on Friday or Saturday, after their next delivery truck had come, and see if they had any in stock. If they didn't they could scan my coupon and issue me a rain check to still get it free. That didn't work. I went in Friday and they were still out. I didn't want to come back on Saturday and bother them. Saturday I went to CVS and saw that they had a sale on the same items: Buy one get one 1/2 off (BOGO 1/2) So altogether I purchased 2 creams for a dollar and some change because I used both my $5 coupons and I didn't have to mess with the rain check. Not as good as free but almost. :D

When I first started couponing, I wasn't seeing the savings that everyone else was experiencing. The problem that I was having was that I was purchasing items from the coupons and still getting what I normally would. If you are doing this, you will be spending more on your grocery bill. Couponing is new habit you have to get accustomed to. Instead of getting Life cereal because it's what your family likes, they will have to get used to eating Honey Nut Cheerios because it's what you have a coupon for. It's a matter of a new lifestyle change that everyone in your family will have to agree on.

I've been watching the show "Extreme Couponing" lately. I have done a lot of reading about the show and what others have to say about it. There are several mixed reviews in light of the fraud that seems to be going on (please read this post about my thoughts on it) but that's not what I want to highlight. Several people have brought numerous ideals to it which I think are quite valuable:

1. With store policies, you cannot use that many coupons in one transaction. I don't care if your husband comes with you.
2. There is no way that a store would let you take up 4 hours in a check out lane.
3. If that were me in the check out lane, I would have one nasty cashier on my hands - this is something I don't want to deal with, ever.
4. Do you really need 77 bottles of mustard?
5. Your family is more important than couponing or hoarding/stockpiling items that you may or may not use.
6. With a television series, it is about advertising. Don't you think General Mills got a kickback for showing their brand on the show?
7. It's no longer about brand loyalty. If a company really wants you to buy their items, they will give a coupon for it.
8. This is something that they don't include in the show to balance how much of a savings they are actually receiving - the cost of computer paper, computer ink and the cost of the Sunday papers (especially for those who buy an extreme amount).

Don't get me wrong, there are some valuable lessons I have learned from the show and from my own experience:

1. Look through the circulars. Match and compare sale items with coupons.
2. Make sure to read the fine print of the coupon.
3. Write out a list. I'm a huge fan of apps available on my Droid (lovingly called "Andy") but with trying to navigate between several apps to find what I need, a good 'ole fashioned notebook and pen work just great.
4. Several stores will have the same items on sale during the same week. Check the circulars to see who has the better deal.
5. Talk to people and see if they are not using their coupons, see if you can use them if they are not.
6. DONATE or GIVE AWAY any items that you will not use. There is no sense of keeping items that will go bad if you won't use them. I have even given some away as Christmas gifts. Guess what you're getting this year? I got a great deal once at Kroger for some deodorant for free. But if my husband isn't going to use it, might as well give it someone who can use it. I didn't pay anything for it and giving it to someone (without strings attached) is a much better feeling than walking out of the store without having to pay for it.
7. Just because you have a coupon, doesn't mean that you have to use it. Read above about using coupons for brand names compared to the store brand.
8. Instead of basing your grocery bill on your menus, base your meals on your pantry. Meaning whatever sale deals you were able to score, plan your meals to what you have, not what you have to purchase.
9. When I would shop before, the bigger item was always the better deal, but the coupon deal, sometimes, the smaller item is the better deal, especially if you can get away with getting it free.

10. Talk to friends to share or compare deals that you can get.

A good deal is only good in small doses. It is like eating carrots, just because carrots are good for you, eating too many of them can be a bad thing for you. Think smart when doing coupons and share your wealth with others.

My thoughts on J'aime Kirlew - Extreme Couponing

(Was originally written for a response to another blog)

When I first watched the episode of Extreme Couponing with J'aime, I was in amazement, but after reading several blogs about the fraud that she committed, I'm dumbfounded.

First off - we are not shown the entire grocery bill of what she purchased. Second - we do not know how long she had been saving the coupons that she used - meaning she could have used legitimate coupons for some of the items that she purchased.

All we know is what was shown on TV: 1 - the long grocery list that appears to have bar codes written - why?  and 2 - the coupons for Fiber One cereal, but we are under the assumption that she used them on other cereal items.

All this to say, is that I'm confused as to where I stand on this. We need to give her the benefit of the doubt, AND we do not need to stone her. I am not saying that I agree with what she did (or didn't do) but it just seems like people have just instantly gone off on her. I am a couponer - have been for the last 2 years - and I don't want the integrity of honest couponers to be in jeopardy. We all need to all take a long look in the mirror and see that we all have a log in our own eye before we start pointing at the speck in hers.