Seoulfully Searching - Part II

Today, I made the call to Holt to talk with the lady who is in charge of Post Adoption Services. I knew before I made the call it could change me. I was hoping it would be for the better; the verdict is still out. I knew at the start of this journey it would be heart wrenching and while I'm not even in the early stages of the process it has already brought me to my knees in gut agonizing humbleness. While talking with the lady it was mentioned:

* A lot of mothers who give up their children leave their children in a very public/busy place, e.g. marketplace and watch from afar to make sure someone does pick up their child. My thoughts: I'm picturing a little girl in a public place and crying out for her mother but her mom just watches from a distance. How could she do this?

* If the mother was unwed at the time of birth she could have been disowned by her family. The "black" sheep or "family member who was twice-removed" was a real thing in Korea back then and could have been disowned by her family and legally her name could be changed because she had upset her family.

* If she was unwed at the time, she didn't have to register the birth of her baby, unlike it is here in the States. There could be no official record of me being born.

Seoulfully Searching

Wow, in the recent weeks our family has been shaken, pressed and shaken some more. For the last two years, I have personally gone through some personal health issues. Here is what I posted to my Facebook profile:

"I could really use some prayer. For the last 3 months or so. I have been having some health problems. When it seems like I get over one thing, another thing happens. I really don't want to divulge into what it MAY or COULD be, because I don't want to speak anything in existence. Today has been one of a few days that I broke down even though I know God is the ultimate healer. It's the breaking down of the spirit. I have been to the doctor, ER, and now urgent care. I'm really just getting tired of all the doctors, shots and tests. If there is one thing that I covet right now is your prayers for a COMPLETE healing. This journey has been one of a learning experience; has made me look at people who have chronic diseases with different eyes. On days I feel so tired for praying for myself, I pray for those who have it worse than me; so when you think of me, pray for those who have it worse than I do." June 9, 2013

Since June of this year, my health issues have somewhat quieted down. Or so I thought.

On August 27 my youngest daughter started to show symptoms of what I thought was the flu. I had taken her to the ER not too far from where we live and they ended up diagnosing her with bronchitis (although she never showed any classic symptoms to support that theory). The doctor sent her home with a prescription for the Z-Pack and to switch back and forth with Tylenol and Advil for the massive headaches and high fevers she was experiencing. They had mentioned about possibly doing a spinal tap to test for viral meningitis, but they really didn't think that was the problem. A couple days later after missing 3 straight days of school, my husband took her to a different ER because her symptoms weren't getting any better and she was spending most of her time in bed sleeping - more so than normal. After spending an unreasonable amount of time there, numerous blood tests, and a spinal tap, it was decided that she needed to be transported to our local Children's Hospital. We thought this was going to be a one day stint.

Little did we know...

She ended up staying at Children's Hospital for a total of nine days - three different departments: Infectious Disease, PICU and the 11th floor (regular room). She was tested for everything under the sun you could think of. She went under so many tests, blood work, blood pressure monitorings, temperature readings and countless asking of the question, "On a scale of 1-10, tell us what your pain level is." After enduring a head MRI, blood marrow biopsy, a skin biopsy, eye tests, nine pounds of fluid intake, taking up to 4 different antibiotics at one time, hearing the words Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, viral meningitis, Lyme's Disease, Kawasaki Disease, Autoimmune Disease. Nothing came back conclusive as to what they thought it could be.

Back during this previous spring was when I had experienced some health problems (hence the Facebook posting) and had a doctor's appointment for a specialized doctor in the early fall. This appointment just happened to be yesterday. While there and talking with the doctor, one of the causes that he said could be causing some of my problems was mentioned as one of the diseases that was mentioned for her. I do remember when the doctors were consulting us on what they thought her health problems were could be hereditary and mostly affects Asians.

On my way back to work, my husband and I were talking about something that he was always interested in, going to Korea and finding my birth family. This was something that I tried to do 20 some years ago before the birth of my first child - this was my second attempt. After hitting a brick wall I decided that they only reason I would ever want to know about my past would be for health reasons. It was in the past for a reason, and for some unknown, I believed God had shut the door to keep me safe from something I didn't want or need to know. I think though in light of what has happened in a matter of 4 weeks has reignited the fact that I will have to do some digging into my past.  

Find my birth family. 

When I started the process so many years ago when I was in high school and college it was out of my own curiosity. Now it is for the sake of my children and their children's children.

The more I dwell on the thoughts of all the emotions that this process could evoke, I get depressed easily. There will always be the question of (if they are found) are you really my family? Because of so many unknowns in my past, I believe this is a legitimate question. To be honest with you, I really don't want to do this on so many levels. The emotional roller coaster that I'm sure this will put me on is one that will be crazy enough for any thrill seeker.

A sense of when I start the searching of my birth parents, will I be known as my adopted parents' daughter anymore or will I be known as a daughter of a faceless mother that I've only dreamed about? Will I lose my identity? I wish I could be happy about starting this search and maybe towards the end I will be. But for right now, all I feel is a sense of disappointment of my birth parents. Why did they give me up? Why did they abandon me? Why did they leave me on the streets to fend for myself? Why didn't anyone come searching for me while I was "missing?" Why would my grandparents be mean to me?

Where do I go from here?

I have found myself at a crossroads lately. Not sure why; maybe it's because I find myself staring in the mirror and realizing that I have a grown daughter out of college and the other one a junior in high school with a realization that I will only have her under my roof for another two years. While trying to help the younger one with college decisions and other grown up processes, it has made me take another glimpse in the mirror and reevaluate my own path in life.




My oldest has challenged me with questions like:

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
What would you like to accomplish in the next 5 years?
Where do you want to live?
What is your dream job?

In all honesty, I wish I had those questions thrown at me about 20 years ago. She has challenged me the most in her short 21 years of life. In the most recent months, I have asked myself these very questions over and over again. They haunt me. I'm knocking on the door of 42 soon and competing with professionals who are at least half my age, I have come to the understanding, I'm not even close to what I want to do with my life.

Six years ago, I returned to college to complete my undergraduate degree in Visual Communications. When my employer knew that I would be receiving my degree within the middle of the school year, they offered me a teaching position. In return, I knew that I had not finished my degree, my neck would be the next in line for the chopping block of cut jobs, so I felt I had no choice in that means, but in reality, finishing my degree was something that I had always wanted to do. But I didn't return to school so I could teach. I finished my degree so I could go in to the business sector and design things. I stayed there for another five years and moved on to another school.

And so I find myself at the beginning of this blog again.

Where do I go from here?

Within the last 14 years, I haved worked in the education field. I cannot tell you how many times I have felt guilty when I hear people say that teachers are gifted and they commend teachers for what they do year after year. Teaching is not my calling, it's a step for the next best thing. Still, the pay is not great. In reality, I get paid little for the actual degree that I received. For that matter, so do teachers who actually have a teacher's certificate and have an education degree.

I look at my husband's and I life for the past 22 years and I look at the people around me and it saddens me to a depth that I cannot even explain. During the time that my husband and I have been married (22 years) he has had 11 different jobs and I have had 4 (Man, when I write that, I have to shake my head). We are not even close to retire in the next 20 years. Our lives are no different than the first day we were married. Meaning, our house is very average, we have appliances that do not work in our house, we get a flood in our back yard every time it rains hard, we haven't had a real vacation for the last six years, we are in debt up to our ears. Even though my husband has more work experience than I do, I make about $2,000/year less than he does (if you count my second job, I make about the same as he does). I look around and it smacks me in the face every time that we cannot give to our kids a legacy that they can be proud of. Sure love, patience, a true foundation of Christ are all important, but what about vacations/family time that they can remember? What about giving them things that they need, like a dresser, an oven that works or a new pair of tennis shoes when they need them? I'm not proud to teach my kids the value of the dollar; to teach them the value of a coupon, Good Will or wearing used uniforms. Still, I keep asking myself the question, why us?

When I ask myself this, I have to keep reminding myself, there are a ton of other people who have way worse than we do, and I have to daily remind myself of this. This is the life that my husband and I have decided to have. It's not luxurious in any way. We made the decision 18 years ago, that we wanted to give our kids a Christian education that a modest lifestyle was better than one that constantly throw ideals in people's faces that we were extravagant. Still, I look at the people around us and there are people have more kids than we do, taking vacations overseas, or taking quick getaways here and there, when for us, taking a trip out of town about 60 miles away, is a grand trip, I have to shake my head in disbelief. We are simple people with great dreams and aspirations. I have now placed before me a bigger question that I hope to have a new answer to a year from now:

Where would I like to be a year from now?

I'm doing my research and starting the process now. Stay tuned for the update :)