Broken hearts of past and present

I write this with such a heavy heart today. It has been such a hard week to deal with; sometimes so overwhelming when I get to thinking about it too much. Last week I learned two things:

1: One of my best friends has decided to get a divorce from her husband. I'm not sure on the details and really I shouldn't need to know. I know from talking with her, I hurt for her. No one wants to go through a hardened marriage; one that seems so sure that it's over. It takes me back about 4 (?) years ago when we found out another one of our closest friends were getting divorced as well (We'll call this Couple A). This one shook my husband to the core. That marriage affected me a totally different way. I was so bent on that I would not let anything happen to my marriage like it did with Couple A. I was so sure on it! I remember when my husband went to get his wisdom teeth pulled how helpless (and funny) he seemed laying on that bed, in pain. My heart instantly went out to him. All I wanted to do was to take care of him. God revealed to me that day how important this man was to me; how much I loved him; how much we belong to each other; how much we are meant to be together forever. It was shortly after his teeth pulling and Couple's A's divorce that my world was shaken. I was the one who was at fault. Couple A's marriage affected me a totally different way than I expected. I'm not blaming them for anything, let alone anything I did, but it caused me to see how weak I was. I was not immune to the traps of this world. God grabbed me by the shoulders one day; shook me and asked me, "Are you willing to throw away everything that you have for something that you're not even sure of?" It has been a long recovery to where we are now. We are still working through the skeletons, but by God's ever-lasting love and work in us; we take each day one at a time.

So now the question looms with Couple B; how will this affect my marriage? I know my husband and I are the ones who can influence how our life will turn out. We have the [power] to say "yes" and "no" to environmental influences; we are the ones who will have to turn the other cheek to temptations. My heart aches for Couple B, I'm not sure what the future will hold for them, but my prayer will and always be: May they find each other again in this life.

2: I have come to realize that this coming year marks my 20 year high school class reunion. I keep asking myself, am I really that old to be out of school for that long? No figuring that I have a 17 year old daughter or that it was 20 years ago that I last took Spanish. Am I really old enough to be celebrating 20 years of post high school life? Well the drama it seems is what/where to do at the reunion. It seems as though some of us have not grown up since 1989 and want to keep splurging in our own gluttony of booze and who knows what else. Someone said that they are a mother every day of their life and for one day out of their life, once every five years to be who they were when they were in high school. (Brace yourself, here's where the venting comes...)

Ok, I am a wife, a mother, a working employee, a tax payer. It doesn't matter if I'm at a reunion, at work, or at my home. I am not defined by who I was then or by a "one day of vacation" from it all, I am still all that was mentioned before. I cannot take a vacation from who I am NOW. I can still reminisce about high school days, but it shouldn't take away who I am now. I am glad I am not the person I was before. (Granted I wasn't really anybody back then and probably still not). If I need to go back to relive my "glory days" to make myself feel good, then I'm sorry, I'm setting myself up for a big letdown. I have lived life, I have been where most want to be, I have the American Dream...although in reflection, I complain a lot about it (selfishly). I remember going to my husband's 10 year class reunion and it was way classier than what our 10 year class reunion was. It's not a competition. It's not who I am, but for goodness sakes, haven't we passed a moment in life where we can act like adults? Do reunions mean we have to act like idiots like we did when were that age? Maybe this is why I never felt like I belonged in this class.

I'm not sure if I'll attend the reunion, after all the ruckus I've caused, I probably should, but I want to bring my husband and kids and show them what world I lived in before I became wife and mother. Even though I was a nerd and geek then (and maybe still am) doesn't mean that is who I am now (or maybe it does).[The venting has stopped.]

I haven't slept well this week, with the divorce and class reunion on my mind. Every time I think of my upcoming reunion I go back to those insecurities I felt before: alone, unpopular, unloved, un-noticed, forgetable.