Broken hearts of past and present

I write this with such a heavy heart today. It has been such a hard week to deal with; sometimes so overwhelming when I get to thinking about it too much. Last week I learned two things:

1: One of my best friends has decided to get a divorce from her husband. I'm not sure on the details and really I shouldn't need to know. I know from talking with her, I hurt for her. No one wants to go through a hardened marriage; one that seems so sure that it's over. It takes me back about 4 (?) years ago when we found out another one of our closest friends were getting divorced as well (We'll call this Couple A). This one shook my husband to the core. That marriage affected me a totally different way. I was so bent on that I would not let anything happen to my marriage like it did with Couple A. I was so sure on it! I remember when my husband went to get his wisdom teeth pulled how helpless (and funny) he seemed laying on that bed, in pain. My heart instantly went out to him. All I wanted to do was to take care of him. God revealed to me that day how important this man was to me; how much I loved him; how much we belong to each other; how much we are meant to be together forever. It was shortly after his teeth pulling and Couple's A's divorce that my world was shaken. I was the one who was at fault. Couple A's marriage affected me a totally different way than I expected. I'm not blaming them for anything, let alone anything I did, but it caused me to see how weak I was. I was not immune to the traps of this world. God grabbed me by the shoulders one day; shook me and asked me, "Are you willing to throw away everything that you have for something that you're not even sure of?" It has been a long recovery to where we are now. We are still working through the skeletons, but by God's ever-lasting love and work in us; we take each day one at a time.

So now the question looms with Couple B; how will this affect my marriage? I know my husband and I are the ones who can influence how our life will turn out. We have the [power] to say "yes" and "no" to environmental influences; we are the ones who will have to turn the other cheek to temptations. My heart aches for Couple B, I'm not sure what the future will hold for them, but my prayer will and always be: May they find each other again in this life.

2: I have come to realize that this coming year marks my 20 year high school class reunion. I keep asking myself, am I really that old to be out of school for that long? No figuring that I have a 17 year old daughter or that it was 20 years ago that I last took Spanish. Am I really old enough to be celebrating 20 years of post high school life? Well the drama it seems is what/where to do at the reunion. It seems as though some of us have not grown up since 1989 and want to keep splurging in our own gluttony of booze and who knows what else. Someone said that they are a mother every day of their life and for one day out of their life, once every five years to be who they were when they were in high school. (Brace yourself, here's where the venting comes...)

Ok, I am a wife, a mother, a working employee, a tax payer. It doesn't matter if I'm at a reunion, at work, or at my home. I am not defined by who I was then or by a "one day of vacation" from it all, I am still all that was mentioned before. I cannot take a vacation from who I am NOW. I can still reminisce about high school days, but it shouldn't take away who I am now. I am glad I am not the person I was before. (Granted I wasn't really anybody back then and probably still not). If I need to go back to relive my "glory days" to make myself feel good, then I'm sorry, I'm setting myself up for a big letdown. I have lived life, I have been where most want to be, I have the American Dream...although in reflection, I complain a lot about it (selfishly). I remember going to my husband's 10 year class reunion and it was way classier than what our 10 year class reunion was. It's not a competition. It's not who I am, but for goodness sakes, haven't we passed a moment in life where we can act like adults? Do reunions mean we have to act like idiots like we did when were that age? Maybe this is why I never felt like I belonged in this class.

I'm not sure if I'll attend the reunion, after all the ruckus I've caused, I probably should, but I want to bring my husband and kids and show them what world I lived in before I became wife and mother. Even though I was a nerd and geek then (and maybe still am) doesn't mean that is who I am now (or maybe it does).[The venting has stopped.]

I haven't slept well this week, with the divorce and class reunion on my mind. Every time I think of my upcoming reunion I go back to those insecurities I felt before: alone, unpopular, unloved, un-noticed, forgetable.

"While I'm waiting"

My moment of panic

It all started when I went to the dentist when she suggested I start using Colgate Toothpaste. Now I noticed on the tube that they gave me, it said Total on it. So I would assume that this is the kind that she wants me to use. I go to my local Wal-Mart; I head straight to the HBA department (for some reason, I love those letters together...HBA) and look in the toothpaste aisle. While staring at the multitude of teeth cleaning products I head straight to the Colgate section. I'm thinking to myself, I've done this a million times over and over, I can find what I want...I can get this done in no time at all. Well did I tell you I had a coupon in hand? Since I used the coupon, I can't tell you what it said of what Colgate product it was good on. But I looked and I looked in the midst of examining the vast variety of what I wanted I came up with this [small] list. Did you know that Colgate comes in (and I'm sure that I'm just scratching the surface) a multitude of varieties? But here is what was staring me in the face and making me hyperventilate at the same time:

Colgate Advanced Whitening

Colgate Advanced Fresh

Colgate Advanced Clean

Colgate Total

Colgate MaxFresh

Colgate Cavity Protection

Colgate Luminous

Colgate Sparking White

Now needless to say each of these can come in a paste or a gel. Since I'm not a fan of paste, I always get the gel. How many times did I look at my coupon, look at the shelves (three of them) glance back at the coupon, search on the shelves, look back at the coupon, investigate the shelves...I think you get the idea. I am "a perfectionist" in the way that I need to follow the rules on the coupons. I think all it takes is one person to screw up for the rest of us not to follow the rules of the coupon and you can kiss the $1.50 savings bye-bye. Now I'm not naieve to think that no one has ever violated the coupon rules, but it would be just my luck that I wouldn't follow the rules to a "t" and when I get to the counter there will be an alarm that will go off or the register won't accept the coupon. If the toothpaste that I thought I wanted wasn't listed on the coupon, then I would have to search for another one that I thought would be on the list. Since the coupon was for a $1.50 off I thought I would splurge and go for the bigger tube...bigger coupon, bigger savings. There were so many times I would find the toothpaste that I wanted and only to find that the store either didn't sell or was sold out in the gel formula, it was only available in the paste form. So off in pursuit for another tube...

I found myself after about 15 minutes of staring into a wilderness of toothpaste, panicking. How come I couldn't find what I wanted? How hard could this be? I have found myself asking this...and this goes with everything not just toothpaste...How come I can't find a tube of toothpaste that has the Total Advanced fresh cleaning, cavity protecting, luminous, sparkling white that will also fight tartar, give you fresh breath, fights gingivitis in a gel form? I want my toothpaste that will do it all. What is so wrong with that? Do these toothpaste companies think that I will brush my teeth with 8 different versions that is all supposed to different things. Give me a tube of toothpaste that will do it all. Don't do anything to it that will confuse me later. Keep the ingredients the same, improve the ingredients, don't change the purpose or the name and you'll have a consumer for life...me!

This also goes along with detergent (we could go into another tangent on that one...maybe later...maybe another blog on that). Why can't I find a detergent that will do it all? Fight stains, with bleach, fresh smelling, easy on the environment (whatever), have a built in softener in it, whitens, I think you know what I mean. My brand here: Gain.

PS - I ended up purchasing a 4.0 oz tube of the Coltage Total Advanced Fresh Gel. No fancy actions like the MaxFresh that I wanted. I went small and I went with boring.

Life in the slow cooker or microwave

This morning after a healthy - and I do mean HEARTY - Thanksgiving holiday it has occurred to me about our life in general. We have so purposely made everything so fast and easy for people to get things whether that is through the internet or through calling in and purchasing items. What ever happened to waiting for your turn? Or waiting for it through the trusty US postal service? We've often heard the degrading remarks of snail mail compared to email...I myself have called it that myself (apologies). What ever happened to making things personal, and I'm not talking about taking things so personal either - that's another subject. Receiving a handwritten letter from someone mean so much more to me than getting an email anymore. It's that personal touch, it's meaning that someone took that extra step in showing me that they care. 

What about teens today that text message people more than they do, calling people? I feel that I should reduce the services on my daughter's cell phone service, because I rarely see her call anybody on it; it's just a text messaging tool. I recently heard a news article on TV about how teens send more text messages than actually calling people and talking to them. We have trained our children - and we are to fault - that it's okay to shun away from people and forget that they are truly a person. Are they just a person on the other end of the message who sends random messages? I am guilty of this, thinking that I don't want to hold a full blown conversation with someone. I just text someone to either say mindless chit chat or if I have just one question or statement for them. I have seen my daughter text message people for hours. Whatever happened to just calling them and having a personal contact with them? I've also been told that I don't understand the concept of text messaging or teens today. It was't too long ago that I was one, I'd think I'd have some kinda clue... 

Some would say that text messaging is a form of communication. I'd agree with that. But what I am saying is that they have taken the person out of it and made it so easy for people to hide away in their little hole and never have a reason for personal contact. A friend of mine once said that technology has made it so easy so that people don't have to worry about confrontation and that it makes it so that teens do not learn how to have a proper personal conversation with anybody. I'm beginning to see that is true. How are we raising our children to have a personal relationship with anybody? When a conflict occurs how will they learn to follow the Matthew 18 principle? How will they learn to confront the person and let them know they caused problems or "offended" someone. Like I said, I'm preaching to choir. I, myself, need to be talking to my kids about this. I am a fan of technology - I don't know where I'd be without it, since this is my field - but I can see, sadly, how it has become a crutch for so many people. 

Do you think that God meant for us to be so impersonal? What if He was? Think about that question...what if God was impersonal? God created us to have a PERSONAL relationship with Him. What if everytime He wanted to show or tell us something, he decided that the only way to do was through text messaging? Sure that definitely would get to us quickly - for those of us who do have that application. But even TM has problems. What if God wants to show us something instantaneous? What God can reveal to us, comes from our conscience through our heart, mind and soul, not our hand held device. If God did just text does that show us His heart? His heartfelt promise to us? 

Picture this if you will: When you become saved, God doesn't reveal everything to you BOOM! You know everything! No, if He did, you would become so disoriented and confused; overwhelmed. God likes to turn things on slow (at times) and let you grow and mature over time. If He put you in a microwave, and had you know things right away, you wouldn't understand it, your mind would be on overload. Why do you think that when God created us, He created us as babies? I like to think God likes the slow cooker or Crock pot. When you cook in a crock pot, you put all your ingredients in a stoneware bowl and put your ingredients in and let it slow cook for hours on end, dependent on what temperature you've placed it. Don't you think God works the same way? He has put us in a safe place (earth), seasoned us with His love and wisdom - if asked for it - and through our times of arriving to the end result, we have been transformed to something that was once hard, raw and disgusting to something that is pleasing to eyes and ears.  Hopefully our aroma is something that is pleasing as well - do we give off a smell of religion or a smell of personal relationship with God? He reveals to us in small doses of information. And once we are finished we're primed for anything that tries to come against us. We have been simmering for some time now, we have been through the trials; we are a work in progress; a work in MARVEL progress.

Good things come to those who wait.

Natalie

My youngest daughter will be turning 12 soon! How is this possible? It seems like just last week we brought her home from the hospital or it was just recently that she was the same heighth as me when I would be sitting on the floor. I used to be looking down at her and telling how to do things and now its looking up into her beautiful sunny eyes and letting her know how to deal with life lessons. 

I remember like it was just yesterday that common things from her mouth were "I wanna watch Poop (Pooh) bear" or "Can I have chloclate(chocolate) milk?" and a favorite that always made everyone laugh was "Christmas uh lights!" with a lilt on the word lights.

When Natalie was just a few days old (?) my husband came up with her nickname "Nattie." To this day it just seems fitting to call her that. Even though she is taller than me and getting older and smarter by the minute she will always be my little baby. She hates when I call her that. But in my mind she will always be my baby. I think what makes it hard for me to see her as a young person is that her sister is 5 years older than her and no matter what milestone Nattie has overcome it just seems like she will always be too little to do it. Even though her sister did it also at the same age and was so big at it.

They say that every family has a drama queen. In ours, it's Nattie - it's only because she is just like her mom. 

I remember when we had brought our dog home for the first time. She looked at it and I asked her how she likes her new puppy. She said "I never wanted a puppy. I wanted a kitten." Come to find out she had just watched our new puppy (Zoey) and Zoey's sister get into a little scrapping session together; so she was a little scared of it. 

I think if you ask her, her favorite time of the year is winter. She will be the first one to be bundled up to go play outside in the snow. She will be out there for hours, if allowed and then she wants a cup of hot chocolate to make the red in her cheeks to fade. She's so cute!!

If the sunshine ever had a color I think it would be the color of Nattie's beautiful smile. That's what we call her, "sunshine" - so hence she has always had a song just for her in the house - You are my sunshine. I remember when I used to sing that to her when she was just a baby. She has twinkly eyes and when she smiles, she just melts your troubles away. You can always tell when she isn't feeling well, because the twinkle in her eyes, disappears. She can never smile with just her mouth, but when she does, she does it with her whole face. That is a sign of a true smile.

A few years ago Tim and Nattie were in a car accident. I was a witness to it when someone had hit the van from the side. It was one of those moments that makes you think "Did I just see what I think I saw?" The way the car hit our van and where Nattie was sitting in the van, it was like God had sent his angels or His Hand around the area where Nattie was sitting and cushioned her so she wasn't hurt at all. On the same side that she was sitting, the front and the backside of the van was hit; but not the area where Nattie was sitting - in the middle. The only thing that was hurt was our pocketbook. We had just purchased the van and was ours for about 2 months. The van was demolished. But it was one of those moments that you seen God move in a mighty way to protect our family.

Recently, when I was watching her at a game that she was in, she made me so proud. She isn't the best player on the court - she's pretty close though, but that isn't what impressed me. What impressed me is her attitude towards those players who do not do well. She always went over her team player and slapped their hand. Not everyone on the court did that and she always encourages other players. She always seems to be for the underdog. She is well liked in her class and her teachers can never say anything but good things about her. 

Whenever she is watching a television show, she always wonders if they are a Christian. She has done that ever since she was wee little. What child do you know does that? She tries so hard to be older, different. I know she has a lot of growing up to do in her young life. 

Kris vs. Mrs. Plotner

Now when I was first hired at my current employer, I was never called Mrs. Plotner. I was always called by my first name, Kris. It's true when the first time you hear the salutation before your last name you do a double "what?" The first time I heard it, I looked around the room and wondered who they were talking to; Mrs. Plotner, who's that? Is my mother-in-law in the room? It has taken me some time to get used to the second name. I don't even allow "Mrs. Plotner" in my house. Mrs. Plotner no longer exists when I step into my car to go home. She stays at school and doesn't appear at my house. When my daughters' friends would come to the house and they would call me that, I would quickly correct them and tell them, that it's "Kris" or "Sarah's mom" or "Natalie's mom." I know that it is a sign of respect (I tell my kids to call their friends' parents "Mr." or "Mrs." unless told otherwise), but in my house, Mr. and Mrs. does not reside there or even at my church. "Mrs. Plotner" only appears from 8-3 Monday through Friday. The first time I heard "Mrs. Plotner" at church, I cringed; I'm "Mrs. Kris" at church.

But another situation...I don't like it when kids call me "Kris" at school." For instance, a student at the elementary called me "Kris" and I cringed at that as well. How dare they call me "Kris!" My name, as long as I am working at the school, is "Mrs. Plotner."

I know...I have issues.

Who is Kris? I like to think that Kris is someone who knows how to have fun; someone who enjoys her family; someone who enjoys a good laugh; enjoys time with her sisters; someone who can spend hours on hours on the phone with friends; someone who is not afraid to cry or get angry when the time is appropriate. I like to think that Kris knows how to step away from Mrs. Plotner and find who she is; she likes to create websites; she likes to read; she likes to watch TV; she likes to listen to music; talk with her family. Her house is a mess; her room is a mess; her life can be a mess as well. She can spend hours on hours at the computer and not get tired of it. When her kids were young, phrases like, "Are you supposed to say no to mommy?" or "Hon, it's your turn to watch the kids" used to come from her mouth. Now common phrases from her mouth are "If you don't get your hind in out the door at this minute, you're gonna be left home" or "Do I have to make supper?" or "Can we order pizza tonight, I don't wanna cook" or "What homework do you have?" and "No, you can't wear that out of the house."

Who is Mrs. Plotner? Well Mrs. Plotner can be kinda ouchy. She likes her room to be in order; she still has a messy desk from 8-3; but after school her desk is clear. She knows what she expects from her students and she expects a lot from them! She gets annoyed by the loud speaker because every time an announcement is made, it's right when she is in the middle of explaining something. She tries to be even keeled and when things don't go well, she tries to keep a handle on it into the next class. At the end of the day, she wants to just sit in solitude and figure out how to get ahead for the next week without interrupting into "Kris'" world. Mrs. Plotner also gets upset at the kids during lunch if they don't know how to throw away their trash. Common phrases are "Sitting with six legs at the desk" or "No long distance conversations" or "If I see anything thrown again, you will be cleaning this table for the next week." Mrs. Plotner seems kinda square. Such a by-the-book kinda person. I think if I met her in the hallways, I would try to steer clear from her. She'll nail you with something. She has eyes and ears like a hawk. You can't get away with anything in her room. She has beady eyes that will haunt you if you do something wrong. The looks she gives you makes you want to hide under a chair because you know you did something wrong and she knows it too!

"Mrs. Plotner" and "Kris" are made from the same flesh but wearing different hats is what the key is. Knowing when to be flexible but knowing also what the limits are. Too much of Kris...too much of Mrs. Plotner and not enough of Jesus.