Broken hearts of past and present

I write this with such a heavy heart today. It has been such a hard week to deal with; sometimes so overwhelming when I get to thinking about it too much. Last week I learned two things:

1: One of my best friends has decided to get a divorce from her husband. I'm not sure on the details and really I shouldn't need to know. I know from talking with her, I hurt for her. No one wants to go through a hardened marriage; one that seems so sure that it's over. It takes me back about 4 (?) years ago when we found out another one of our closest friends were getting divorced as well (We'll call this Couple A). This one shook my husband to the core. That marriage affected me a totally different way. I was so bent on that I would not let anything happen to my marriage like it did with Couple A. I was so sure on it! I remember when my husband went to get his wisdom teeth pulled how helpless (and funny) he seemed laying on that bed, in pain. My heart instantly went out to him. All I wanted to do was to take care of him. God revealed to me that day how important this man was to me; how much I loved him; how much we belong to each other; how much we are meant to be together forever. It was shortly after his teeth pulling and Couple's A's divorce that my world was shaken. I was the one who was at fault. Couple A's marriage affected me a totally different way than I expected. I'm not blaming them for anything, let alone anything I did, but it caused me to see how weak I was. I was not immune to the traps of this world. God grabbed me by the shoulders one day; shook me and asked me, "Are you willing to throw away everything that you have for something that you're not even sure of?" It has been a long recovery to where we are now. We are still working through the skeletons, but by God's ever-lasting love and work in us; we take each day one at a time.

So now the question looms with Couple B; how will this affect my marriage? I know my husband and I are the ones who can influence how our life will turn out. We have the [power] to say "yes" and "no" to environmental influences; we are the ones who will have to turn the other cheek to temptations. My heart aches for Couple B, I'm not sure what the future will hold for them, but my prayer will and always be: May they find each other again in this life.

2: I have come to realize that this coming year marks my 20 year high school class reunion. I keep asking myself, am I really that old to be out of school for that long? No figuring that I have a 17 year old daughter or that it was 20 years ago that I last took Spanish. Am I really old enough to be celebrating 20 years of post high school life? Well the drama it seems is what/where to do at the reunion. It seems as though some of us have not grown up since 1989 and want to keep splurging in our own gluttony of booze and who knows what else. Someone said that they are a mother every day of their life and for one day out of their life, once every five years to be who they were when they were in high school. (Brace yourself, here's where the venting comes...)

Ok, I am a wife, a mother, a working employee, a tax payer. It doesn't matter if I'm at a reunion, at work, or at my home. I am not defined by who I was then or by a "one day of vacation" from it all, I am still all that was mentioned before. I cannot take a vacation from who I am NOW. I can still reminisce about high school days, but it shouldn't take away who I am now. I am glad I am not the person I was before. (Granted I wasn't really anybody back then and probably still not). If I need to go back to relive my "glory days" to make myself feel good, then I'm sorry, I'm setting myself up for a big letdown. I have lived life, I have been where most want to be, I have the American Dream...although in reflection, I complain a lot about it (selfishly). I remember going to my husband's 10 year class reunion and it was way classier than what our 10 year class reunion was. It's not a competition. It's not who I am, but for goodness sakes, haven't we passed a moment in life where we can act like adults? Do reunions mean we have to act like idiots like we did when were that age? Maybe this is why I never felt like I belonged in this class.

I'm not sure if I'll attend the reunion, after all the ruckus I've caused, I probably should, but I want to bring my husband and kids and show them what world I lived in before I became wife and mother. Even though I was a nerd and geek then (and maybe still am) doesn't mean that is who I am now (or maybe it does).[The venting has stopped.]

I haven't slept well this week, with the divorce and class reunion on my mind. Every time I think of my upcoming reunion I go back to those insecurities I felt before: alone, unpopular, unloved, un-noticed, forgetable.

"While I'm waiting"

My moment of panic

It all started when I went to the dentist when she suggested I start using Colgate Toothpaste. Now I noticed on the tube that they gave me, it said Total on it. So I would assume that this is the kind that she wants me to use. I go to my local Wal-Mart; I head straight to the HBA department (for some reason, I love those letters together...HBA) and look in the toothpaste aisle. While staring at the multitude of teeth cleaning products I head straight to the Colgate section. I'm thinking to myself, I've done this a million times over and over, I can find what I want...I can get this done in no time at all. Well did I tell you I had a coupon in hand? Since I used the coupon, I can't tell you what it said of what Colgate product it was good on. But I looked and I looked in the midst of examining the vast variety of what I wanted I came up with this [small] list. Did you know that Colgate comes in (and I'm sure that I'm just scratching the surface) a multitude of varieties? But here is what was staring me in the face and making me hyperventilate at the same time:

Colgate Advanced Whitening

Colgate Advanced Fresh

Colgate Advanced Clean

Colgate Total

Colgate MaxFresh

Colgate Cavity Protection

Colgate Luminous

Colgate Sparking White

Now needless to say each of these can come in a paste or a gel. Since I'm not a fan of paste, I always get the gel. How many times did I look at my coupon, look at the shelves (three of them) glance back at the coupon, search on the shelves, look back at the coupon, investigate the shelves...I think you get the idea. I am "a perfectionist" in the way that I need to follow the rules on the coupons. I think all it takes is one person to screw up for the rest of us not to follow the rules of the coupon and you can kiss the $1.50 savings bye-bye. Now I'm not naieve to think that no one has ever violated the coupon rules, but it would be just my luck that I wouldn't follow the rules to a "t" and when I get to the counter there will be an alarm that will go off or the register won't accept the coupon. If the toothpaste that I thought I wanted wasn't listed on the coupon, then I would have to search for another one that I thought would be on the list. Since the coupon was for a $1.50 off I thought I would splurge and go for the bigger tube...bigger coupon, bigger savings. There were so many times I would find the toothpaste that I wanted and only to find that the store either didn't sell or was sold out in the gel formula, it was only available in the paste form. So off in pursuit for another tube...

I found myself after about 15 minutes of staring into a wilderness of toothpaste, panicking. How come I couldn't find what I wanted? How hard could this be? I have found myself asking this...and this goes with everything not just toothpaste...How come I can't find a tube of toothpaste that has the Total Advanced fresh cleaning, cavity protecting, luminous, sparkling white that will also fight tartar, give you fresh breath, fights gingivitis in a gel form? I want my toothpaste that will do it all. What is so wrong with that? Do these toothpaste companies think that I will brush my teeth with 8 different versions that is all supposed to different things. Give me a tube of toothpaste that will do it all. Don't do anything to it that will confuse me later. Keep the ingredients the same, improve the ingredients, don't change the purpose or the name and you'll have a consumer for life...me!

This also goes along with detergent (we could go into another tangent on that one...maybe later...maybe another blog on that). Why can't I find a detergent that will do it all? Fight stains, with bleach, fresh smelling, easy on the environment (whatever), have a built in softener in it, whitens, I think you know what I mean. My brand here: Gain.

PS - I ended up purchasing a 4.0 oz tube of the Coltage Total Advanced Fresh Gel. No fancy actions like the MaxFresh that I wanted. I went small and I went with boring.